


Learning to Live with Loss

by kikubeamblah



Series: Learning to Live with Loss [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Age Difference, Drag Queens, Drama, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, POV First Person, Romance, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-01
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2018-01-07 00:18:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1113230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kikubeamblah/pseuds/kikubeamblah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi went to the perfect college and graduate school, had the perfect girlfriend, and had the perfect job.  He had even been on the perfect vacation to Hawaii with her family.  Yes, Levi was settled in adulthood, Levi had everything figured out.  He was ready to be married with kids.  But, after a tragic accident, his life was thrown off-track. </p><p>It's been almost a year and a half since then.  With the help of his good friend Hange, a bartender in one of San Francisco's finest gay bars, Levi tries to return to normalcy.  He meets new people, like Eren, a young up and coming drag model for Victoria Secret, determined to take the world by storm.  The two are immediately drawn to each other in spite of all the reasons that they shouldn't be.  What they don't know is that their history goes back much further.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Shit That Happened When I First Met You

**Author's Note:**

> So, here's a new fic. This makes me the worst person ever, because I always try to finish shit that I start and here I am starting yet another new thing. The good news is that I think this will only be a few chapters. I have the story planned from start to finish, which means it has a clear beginning, middle, and end, making it rather easy to complete.
> 
> Ereri is the main pairing, but there will be drama, and hopefully, it'll be enough in depth to pull you into the other pairings as well.
> 
> There is also some Leviwin (idk what the name is, ErwinXLevi). There is some LeviPetra (Letra?) in here, but this is really more a plot device than anything else. If you guys know of any other Levi pairings, let me know, because I really need some other characters to exist for the story idea, and I’d prefer to keep OCs to a minimum.
> 
> Time jumps are everywhere as per my usual style. Testing out writing drag, which is new territory for me, so I’m sorry if I suck.
> 
> Disc: I own nothing. Nada. All this is fun for your reading pleasure.

XXX

One night, when Eren flopped onto my bed, he asked a question which he had never been brave enough to ask before, “If Petra walked in the door, right now, which of us would you pick?”

I was situated against the headboard. I was sitting up and had my iPad in my lap, on which I had been reading a book while waiting for Eren to get out of the shower. 

I put the iPad down on the nightstand beside me and sighed. I was feeling a strange sort of pain appearing in my chest, then bit down hard on my lip. My lip slid a bit between my teeth before I opened my mouth and answered, “there is really no way you can expect me to answer that question.”

“Well, what’s the big deal? Anytime someone asks, you say you miss her and will always love her and blah, blah, blah. Why not tell me you’d pick her over me?” Eren asked, turning on his side and nestling against my thigh.

I had to admit, it was something of a miracle that Eren had not asked me this in the past, given that the boy could barely control his mouth, but even so, I wasn’t sure how to handle this situation. I looked straight ahead and focused attention on the left corner of the room, “That’s really not fair to ask, Eren.”

Eren pouted, clearly debating about whether or not to push it further. Ultimately, he chose to press me, “You’re the one who always says that it feels more like long distance than like she-”

I interrupted him, finishing, “Than like she died. But, Eren, she did die. The only reason that I used to say it felt like long distance is because for awhile when she was alive, we did long distance. That’s all. This is not long distance though. It’s not like she went to war and I’m waiting for her to come home. It’s not like I’m in grad school and she is an undergrad on the other side of the US. She’s gone, Eren, and I’ve accepted her death.”

“It’d be okay with me if you’d said you’d go back to her. I mean, it makes sense that you would, you were going to marry her and you guys were together for seven years after all,” the look on his face betrayed his words, but I didn’t comment on that.

“We’d probably talk,” I said finally. It had been a long time since I had considered what I’d do if Petra suddenly came back from the dead, there was no reason for me to do so, as it only caused me to feel that hard pain in my chest. But, for Eren’s sake, I tried to answer honestly, “I mean, I can’t imagine not having a conversation with her. She was my other half. It was like losing an arm or a leg, I’d have to have a talk with her. But, the length of time we were together really has nothing to do with it, Eren. I mean Christ, if we keep going at this rate, you and I are going to have been together longer than I would have been with her.”

This made Eren straighten up and smile at me. It was true, and he knew it, and he knew that I knew it. We had overcome quite a bit ourselves after all. He leaned in to kiss me, and I parted my lips to allow him to enter.

When Eren pulled back, I was unable to stop myself and remarked, “Not that I would have ever imagined I’d end up with you, given the shit that happened when I first met you.”

Eren started to furrow his brow and pout, but I raised my arms and pulled Eren close enough for my forehead to touch his, and I spoke as sincerely as I could will myself, “I wouldn’t do it any different though.”

XXX

I stepped out of the stall and sighed. What the fuck was I doing here? I wondered while I washed my hands at one of the sinks in front of the giant bar bathroom.

I had promised to meet Hange here, but I was itching to text her and tell her that I had instead decided to stay-in for the night. It was hard for me to lie to her, especially given how supportive she had been, but it seemed easier to lie and go home than to go back out into the bar with all the people.

My attention fell on an attractive man in drag standing at the other end of the mirror as he let out a big sigh. He was dabbing his lips and obviously frustrated. He didn’t seem to notice me at all. He was fully focused on his lips. He had a dark brown wavy wig on, and he was wearing a tanktop with a short skirt, revealing hairless legs in fishnets and high heels. He was taller than me to begin with although this wasn’t saying much. The heels only served to add to his height, but it was hard to fully judge his height as he was crouching down frowning at the reflection in the mirror.

I ran my clean hands over my forehead, trying to remind myself that I really ought to stay. I had promised Hange, I told myself again.

The man in front of the mirror turned and looked at me. He pursed his lips at me, obviously disappointed by what he saw, “I assume you wouldn’t have any lipstick, would you?”

“N-no,” I said, trying not to stare too hard. It was hard not to though.

He frowned at me and pouted. His eyes were a beautiful green, the color of which was brought out by brown eyeshadow and red blush. The only thing that was missing was clearly his lipstick, but even so, he was already passing as the most beautiful girl I’d ever laid eyes on.

“It’s not the same, but I have some chapstick I can share,” I was trying to be polite. This was one of the goals that I had set with my therapist. Make small talk. Make conversation. Be nice.

He raised a brow at me and then licked his lips, “I think I’ll take you up on that offer. Let’s see that chapstick.”

I started to pull it out of my pocket, but he pulled me into a kiss instead. The entire room went white, and I thought for sure that I was going to collapse then and there. I started to see spots just as he pulled back. 

I didn’t hear him, and I could barely see him as I was trying to steady myself, but he licked his lips again, “Much better. Absolutely delicious. Wouldn’t have pegged you as wearing cherry. Thanks for the chapstick. Name’s Ellen, catch you around cutie.”

Then, he turned around and I watched as his skirt bounced offering me a tease of his ass, but I could barely focus on that as I was busy trying to get my blood pressure back to its normal level. Ellen waved a hand and left the bathroom.

I fell back against the bathroom wall. I was in complete and utter shock. I couldn’t blame him. There was no way for him to know that what he had done was the most terrifying thing that I had experienced in almost a year and a half. For him, that was a flirty move in a gay bar, nothing more. For me, it was the most fucking terrifying thing in the world. I couldn’t have guessed that it was only going to get worse from there.

I verbally commanded myself to calm down, “Get ahold of yourself, Levi. Jesus fucking Christ it was just a kiss.”

I looked back at myself in the mirror while still leaning against the wall and ran my hands over my arms and elbows terrified by own reflection. I was seeing it again. I was seeing the blood all over my face. I saw the blood drip down from my face down to my eyes over my cheeks landing all over my lips. I saw it on my arms. I saw it on the walls in the bathroom behind me.

“So unclean. So fucking unclean,” I spoke to myself and repeated it.

I entered something of a trance and probably repeated myself somewhere around fifty times, before I found myself back in reality. I checked my watch, not even five minutes had passed since I had entered the bathroom. In passing, I wondered how that was even possible. But regardless, the spots had disappeared and I could stand on my own again. I walked to one of the sinks and I turned the faucet on. I began to wash every inch of myself, burning through one of the hand-soap dispensers in the process. 

I checked my watch again, another five minutes. I knew that I had to leave the bathroom. Hange was going to be here soon and she would kill me if she knew how I’d spent the last five minutes. I had arrived fifteen minutes early to help get myself situated and I had spent the majority of it in the bathroom. I sighed, deciding that perhaps a stiff drink would help. This was a fucking bar after all.

I decided to brave the outside world and let the bar bathroom door shut behind me. My eyes settled on the counter and I started to head over to to it, where there was a blonde male bartender with shoulder length hair in a uniform. Before I could reach him, Ellen who I had met in the bathroom pointed a long finger at me, “That’s him. That’s the one who gave me this chapstick.”

“Hey, dickhead, that’s my fucking girlfriend you kissed,” I dodged the punch that came from the buffoon that spoke.

Both Ellen and him looked surprised that his punch connected with the bathroom door instead of me. Given my stature, this made sense, but I was stronger and more agile than I looked.

I walked past him, trying to avoid a fight, and went for the counter, “I’d like to order a drink if possible.”

The nametag on the bartender read Armin. Instead of asking me what I wanted, he furrowed a brow, and asked, “Did you come onto Ellen?”

“Me? Come onto Ellen? You’re fucking kidding, right?” This was rather frustrating. I reached in my pocket to get my phone. I was going to send Hange a text. I definitely wanted to go home. It was bad enough for me to be going out, it was bad enough to get assaulted, but this was just too much, “She kissed me.”

“That’s not true,” Ellen said running a hand through her hair, “I was just standing in the bathroom minding my own business, and he came up to me and pushed me against the wall and full on kissed me.”

“What?” I asked, mouth gaping. She was insane. This place was insane, I thought to myself. And this was coming from someone with seriously questionable sanity.

“I’m gonna fucking kill you,” the buffoon got in my face at the counter.

I looked at him with dead serious eyes, “Yeah? Please fucking do.”

The sincerity behind my statement caught him off-guard and he stepped back. Armin, the bartender, bit his lip clearly surprised by my tone. Even Ellen’s expression changed.

Armin was the one who spoke at last, trying to make some peace, “Look, Bertolt, it is Ellen. This newbie probably just got himself in a messy situation by mistake, you know what a slut she can be.”

“Hey!” Ellen shouted, “you’re supposed to be on my side.”

“You know I’m right,” Armin sighed and he started to ask me what sort of drink I wanted.

Ellen huffed. I couldn’t help but admire her in spite of everything. If I was in a halfway decent mindset, and she were available, I would have gone after her without a doubt. She was arguing with Bertolt, who was now questioning her about whether or not I had actually been the one to make the move on her.

“Oh, I know that look,” Armin said softly and solely to me, “You’re new here, so you don’t know, but the answer is just no.”

“Hmm?” I asked.

“Trust me, you don’t want to go there. She’s the most beautiful person you’ll lay eyes on, and the most deadly.”

“I-I wasn’t,” I denied it.

“Uh huh,” he clearly didn’t believe me. But, I was being at least halfway honest. Sure, I wanted her, but I also was smart enough to know that I was so far from in the right mindset for anything from anyone and smart enough to know that I probably never would be.

Around that time, Hange strolled in.

“You’re late,” Armin said to her, “Your shift started 10 minutes ago.”

I turned around and faced her. She laughed, “I’m sorry, I got held up in traffic.”

Armin glared at her. It was half past nine at night and Hange lived about two blocks from this bar. She always walked to work and was consistently late. It was an obvious lie.

She looked at me and clasped her hands together, “Oh, Levi, you’re here. I’m so happy you came.”

I tried to smile, but nothing happened. I did raise my shoulders a bit in a shrug displaying my nervousness.

“He’s had quite an eventful night,” Armin stated plainly.

Bertolt had stopped his argument with Ellen for the moment and stared at me, “You should have said you were a friend of Hange’s, I would have trusted you over this bitch then.”

“Hey!” Ellen interjected.

I forced a laugh.

“What happened?” Hange asked me, her voice serious. She was uncharacteristically concerned as far as the others knew, which is why both Armin and Bertolt looked surprised by her tone.

I threw my arms up exasperated, “I have no idea. All I fucking did was go use the bathroom, and this girl asked me for some chapstick and I offered her some -”

Hange cut me off, “You offered your chapstick to Ellen? Christ, Levi. I never would have thought you were ready for that.”

Bertolt was beginning to look angry again. Obviously, whatever I had said had upset him too. And Armin’s cheeks had turned pink.

“I know I’ve been out of the dating pool for awhile, but is this some kind of fucking secret code? It’s fucking chapstick.”

“You’re not serious, Levi?” Hange asked, genuinely curious, “I mean come on, everyone knows what offering to share your chapstick means.”

“This must be some Bay Area thing,” I rolled my eyes as I pulled the chapstick out of my pocket it and slammed it on the counter, “She was the one who was fucking freaking out about not having lipstick. I was just trying to be polite.”

Hange bit her lip, “Yeah that’s right. I forget you grew up on the East Coast.”

I narrowed my eyes.

“Out here, offering your chapstick is...um…” she struggled for the words, “I guess it’s a come on of sorts.”

Ellen smiled at me and winked. Bertolt frowned and let out a loud sigh.

Hange clasped her hands together and apologized on my behalf, “Sorry, it really has been awhile for him. And I promise you that if he had known what it meant, he wouldn’t have offered it.”

“Well no shit,” I said.

Ellen pouted. 

But I tried to remember what Armin had said and so I simply asked him, “Can I get that drink, now?”

“It’s her shift,” he put down the glass he had been wiping off.

She went to the other side of the counter, “Jameson and ginger?”

“Just a shot.”

She bit her lip, “Did you pass out?”

Before I could reply, Bertolt scoffed, “Pass out?!”

“No. But, I went through a full dispenser of hand-soap in your bathroom, so you might want to refill that.”

“Levi…” Her voice carried off.

“Did kissing someone in drag upset you that much?” Bertolt asked, now getting angry at me for an apparently different reason.

“Bertolt,” Ellen’s voice was firm, but her eyes showed some sense of betrayal. She was obviously used to disappointment in people, “let it go.”

“No, this fucking asshole should be taught a lesson.”

I simply stared at him, trying to get a hold on the stupidity of everything that was happening before I gave a response. I had to figure out how to balance between not pissing this guy off more by telling him how badly I would have liked to fuck the girl on his arm, and not pissing him off by telling him how much the experience fucking disgusted me given my own inner demons. Well, at least, I figured that finding a balance between the two was better than simply fighting him for being so stupid.

I wasn’t given an opportunity to do anything as Hange spoke up before I had the chance. She tried to diffuse the situation, “I don’t think that was the problem. Levi has...issues with people,” she paused at that point, but the glare on my face urged her to rectify her statement, “well. He dislikes being touched.”

“What? Really?” Bertolt narrowed his eyes at me seemingly unable to believe it.

I wrinkled my nose.

Ellen looked mildly curious, but that may have simply been me wanting to have her attention on me. Truly, she was probably disinterested with the conversation by that point, knowing her.

Bertolt, like all idiots, came over to the table and itching to test out my phobia. I was used to this in the sense that this was a common response, but I couldn’t get used to the actual part where people physically connected with me, and so, like a weakling, I begged in a small voice, “Please, don’t.”

But, like everyone else, he did. His fingertips grazed the top of my hand, and he pressed gently against my knuckles. I began to hyperventilate a bit, preparing for the inevitable. It wasn’t as bad given that I was seated, but I saw the usual spots. I felt my heart stop, then I felt it begin beating faster and faster until I thought I was going to throw up.

My face whitened enough for him to pull back and say, “Wow. You’re fucking serious. I’m sorry man.”

And like the rest of the human race, he fucking didn’t get it. This was obvious because he slammed his arm around me, causing my entire body to shudder and my back to arch. Realizing his mistake, he pulled it back quickly with an “Oops, sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I’m sure I sounded short with him, and it was hard not to be. No one seemed to have any respect for my situation, and now in the span of twenty minutes I had been touched by not one person, but two. I closed my eyes, willing myself to not see the blood this time. I knew that I would, I always did, but I always hoped that I wouldn’t.

Hange, perfect as ever, slammed two shots of whiskey down on the table, “Drink.”

I opened my eyes for a split second, long enough to find the glasses and to throw them back.

I let out a deep sigh afterwards and wiped my mouth with my untouched hand. Some of the alcohol had gotten on my face since I had been trying to get it in me as fast as possible. 

Once I felt my heart-rate return to something close to normalcy, I tried to control my impulse to race back to the bathroom and wash my hands.

Hange seemed to know this.

“I’m gonna...yeah...” I pointed in the direction of the bathroom.

She nodded.

As the door shut, I heard Bertolt asking her the same question that I was sure everyone must have asked that encountered me, “So, what’s his deal anyway?”

XXX

“What did you think, Levi?” Petra asked me, eyes wide and expectant. She was wearing black kikui nuts which had small flowers painted on them over a purple dress that I knew she had purchased especially for the trip.

What did I think? I thought she was absolutely beautiful. I thought that the way her hair blew in the night wind made her utterly gorgeous. My lips curled a bit at her, and she recognized this as the closest thing to a smile that I could express, “I liked the fire dancers.”

She was delighted, “They’re my favorite too. I’m so happy that you are here with me, Levi.”

I leaned towards her and gave her a kiss, when I pulled back, without hesitation, I told her, “I love you.”

And in that moment, I truly did love her. We had been together 5 years at that point. And, she had just finished school as an undergrad. We had met as freshmen, but she took a year longer than me to graduate. While she was finishing, I was going to graduate school halfway across the country, and so most of the time we spent together was on Skype. 

For her graduation present, her parents had invited me to join them on their vacation in Hawaii. I had never been to Hawaii, and while it was beautiful, there was really not much about it that I found particularly interesting. It was simply a series of islands. Still, I was with her, and so frankly, we could have been anywhere and I would have been delighted. Our separation was part of why I treasured every moment that I spent with her on this trip. 

We started to head back to the resort together, leaving the area of the Luau, traipsing through the sand holding hands. It was dark, and so we couldn’t see the ocean, but we could hear the waves crashing, no more than 10 feet away from us.

I think holding her hand in the darkness that night was the moment when I realized I wanted to be with her forever. I wanted to marry her. I wanted to have a child with her. I just wanted to be together. I couldn’t even see her, but just knowing that the hand that I was clasping onto was hers’ was enough. She was there and this was how I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

I must have been walking slowly, because she tugged on my arm a bit, “Levi, come on, it’s freezing.”

I shook my head in the darkness, knowing it wouldn’t be long before I had to leave her again for my final semester of graduate school, “Let’s take our time. Here, I’ll hold onto you.”

“Leeeevi,” She whined. I caught her shoulders and felt that she was in fact cold.

“Fine then,” I offered, “You go on ahead. I want to stay here and listen to the waves for a bit.”

She leaned against me and said, “Okay. Levi, I’m really happy that you like it here. I’m so happy you are here with me.”

“I’ll be up soon,” I said kissing the top of her head.

She raced ahead of me, and her outline disappeared into the darkness. I sat down in the sand, close enough to the ocean as to allow the waves to crash into my feet, but far enough away to keep my small frame from being carried off.

I cannot be sure how long I sat there. It didn’t feel like very long at all, but I’m sure it was. I watched as stars appeared from behind clouds and the area lightened up a bit. I saw the ocean separate from the sky, and then, I saw it disappear again into the darkness. The darkness took the light from the moon and the stars and I became quite cold. I had been just about to leave when I felt the earth below me move.

Someone had sat down beside me.

I heard them cry. They were crying soft tears, but they were crying nonetheless.

I thought I should say something to them, but I hesitated unsure if they we even aware that they had company. I was afraid to startle them.

Their crying became louder. I heard them blow snot into their shirt, and that was about the point when I’d had enough, “Are you okay?”

It was a dumb question and I knew the answer, but what else could I say to a stranger crying in the darkness?

They didn’t respond. Their sobs got a bit louder, and I wasn’t even sure if they had heard me ask the question.

“Hey,” I tried to move in the direction of the sound and carefully put my arm on their shoulder. Their shoulder was muscular, but not fully developed yet. I immediately knew it belonged to a boy, “What’s wrong?”

He didn’t answer me, instead he gathered himself, and then, he asked in the softest voice, “What do you do when there is absolutely no one in the world who wouldn’t hate you if they knew the real you?”

I paused feeling strangely empathetic. I had something of a flashback to a feeling that I had had when I was in high school, and I thought about how I had handled it, “You go somewhere new and find new people.”

“How can you do that at sixteen?” He asked.

I frowned. I hadn’t been able to escape my problems at sixteen, “Good question. Life pretty much sucks when you’re sixteen.”

He did something of a snort and a laugh in response to that, “Tell me about it. You’re the first person to actually admit that to me though. Everyone seems to think high school is fucking cake.”

“I didn’t,” I tried not to cut him off, but I fervently believed that high school sucked.

“Can I tell you something?”

I didn’t have a chance to reply. He told me anyway.

“I’m gay.”

My eyes widened a bit, but in the darkness, he had no way to see my response. I thought about how to carefully reply to that. I thought about telling him that I was bi, which I was, to simply give him solidarity, but I was afraid that would have come off as selfishness. This was his breakdown, not mine.

Either way, once again, I calculated a response for too long, and he simply continued to talk, “I’ve never told anyone before. I’m sorry to do this to you, but I just had to say it myself. I mean, some people have figured it out or at least I think they have, but I’ve never actually said it. It feels nice to say it myself, even if it’s to a stranger.”

“Being gay is not that bad,” I said.

“Are you gay?” He asked me.

“Bi.”

“Huh. See you have it easy then, you can pick to be with a girl.”

I started to criticize him about this outlook, as it was not that simple. I didn’t pick to be with anyone. I liked who I liked and that was simply it. But I remembered that he was only sixteen, and for the moment he was having his own crisis, so instead I just sighed.

“Sorry,” he said possibly realizing his mistake. It was hard for me to tell whether or not it was a genuine apology, “I didn’t mean that. I just, I’m freaking out, and I don’t think before I speak.”

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, “It’s fine. I understand.”

I was going to talk to him about acceptance or what not, but he launched back to an earlier question, “Do you really think that if I go somewhere new I’ll meet new people who’ll accept me?”

“I can’t say for sure, but it worked for me. I waited to leave my home until I went to college, but I’m sure you can figure out how to do so sooner if you really want to. Either way, things have turned out pretty good for me.”

“Hmm,” he said, “I don’t really like school, but I’m sure I can find some way for me to get the fuck out of Florida.”

“Is that where you live?”

“Yeah. I’m on vacation with my racist, homophobic family. I just had to get away from them for a bit,” he wiped away any remaining tears, “Thanks for listening. I think I’m good now.”

He began to depart and I felt the sand below me move again, as he had obviously stood up. He spoke again, “I think I know what I need to do now. Thanks -” he started to say my name, but realizing he didn’t know it, he asked, “What’s your name?”

“Rivalle,” I said, for some reason choosing to give him my full name.

“Rivalle…” He repeated it, “Well, my family leaves on a flight tomorrow morning, but yeah, maybe someday we’ll meet again. Either way, this meant a shitton to me. You have no idea how much. Thanks.”

I nodded at the darkness. And then my mysterious companion was gone.

A while after the boy disappeared, I stood up and carried myself back to the condo that Petra’s family was renting on the resort. I joined her in the trundle bed. I wrapped my arms around her, thankful to be in bed spooning her. My hand grazed past the bracelet I had given her for a birthday a few years ago, and my meeting with the boy slipped away from my memory. Instead, it was quickly replaced with the memory of me enveloping her and feeling her warmth. I kissed her neck.

I awoke from the dream startled. I was drenched in sweat. I looked around trying to figure out where I was and I looked for Petra, I started to say that I loved her. But, once again, it dawned on me, she was dead and I was alone. Time continued on.

XXX


	2. Erwin's Never Happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This begins to delve into Levi's relationship with Erwin. We learn how Levi and Petra met. We see an interaction between Levi and Eren from later on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The time skips in this are gonna make this hella confusing as it goes on, there’s simply too many relationships that all take place in different times compared with my other stories (like Untangling the Lanes). I’m sorry about that guys. I’m doing my best to reveal enough to make it easy for you all to figure out when things happen, but not so much that this is a boring story.
> 
> I really need Erwin to have a little brother or sister who can provide sexual tension for Levi. Not sure whether to make this an OC or if someone could fit the bill. If you guys have a character in mind, I’ll make it work. It’s a pretty substantial relationship. I’m thinking possibly Mikasa, but I just don’t effing know, I kind of already have other plans for her.
> 
> Feel free to give suggestions in the comments section or on my tumblr. I’d be hella happy to chat plot with someone. Like utterly delighted.
> 
> There’s not much Ereri in this chapter. Sorry bros. Levi/Erwin fans rejoice, I guess.

XXX

It was my senior year of undergrad, and as was the case on most weekends, I was with Petra, Hange, the rest of our friends. We were all together having a party at Ymir’s guesthouse. It was on her parent’s lot, and it was her own private space for us to fuck around in and party. She didn’t seem to have any love lost for her father, not that it was any of my business, but she benefitted from him in this way and so did the rest of us. Some weekends we’d do the same thing in my suite, but most of the time we spent weekends at Ymir’s as it was larger.

“Neither Ymir, nor I can figure out why you are with her,” Erwin said to me. I was standing with him in the kitchen, where we had gone to refresh our drinks.

Ymir and Erwin had been together for almost two years. What Erwin had just said to me, annoyed me. For one thing, it was extremely hypocritical given other things that he had said to me in the past about his relationship with Ymir. A few years ago, during a trip I had taken with the two of them, he had not only shut down any possibility of me ever telling him how I felt about him, but in one fell swoop, he managed to additionally block any possible questioning about his relationship with Ymir. Yet, in spite of refusing to discuss his own relationship decisions, he had no problem advising me about my own relationship. Ymir was less upfront about it, like not upfront at all, she never said anything about my relationships to me. She’d occasionally mention Petra to me, but purely to be cordial. When we spoke and it was almost always formal, we connected on our mutual interest in the boardgames that we all played together and that was it. Basically, if nothing else, we shared an interest in Erwin. 

Hell, if I had to guess, she was a much sweeter person in general than Erwin was to me, which was strange because almost everyone with the obvious exception of Erwin was quick to tell me how much they disliked her. I didn’t really feel one way or the other about her, except that now I was annoyed about the possible prospect of her discussing my relationship Erwin.

He went on, “We really think you need to find some sexy boy and just be with him. You should drop Petra.”

This was unbelievably unfair for him to say. It was unfair because everyone and their mother knew, hell, even probably Petra knew, though she never seemed upset by it, I would even bet that Erwin himself knew, though I was careful to never explicitly say anything to him, and he never said anything about it himself, but everyone in the fucking world knew that I was completely and utterly in love with and obsessed with Erwin. From the moment that I laid eyes on him, I was willing to do anything and everything he wanted. And this was before I even found out that he was bi. Once I fucking knew that, I knew with complete certainty that if there was ever an opportunity for me to have him and for him to have me, I’d take it. I’d take it so fast. I’d drop anyone to take it.

Instead of losing control of myself, I sipped on my drink. I poured it from the punch bowl that Hange had made. Her drinks were pretty damn good actually, but this one didn’t seem strong enough. And so, to make me good enough to handle this conversation with Erwin, I did a shot of Vodka. I even offered him one.

“You know I won’t drink that,” he answered. It was true, I knew this, he was too mature for shots, but I offered every time anyway. He was only a year older than me, but he made me feel so damn immature by comparison especially when it came to drinking. Erwin drank wine and that was it. I didn’t like seeming immature, but I disliked more hearing how the guy I liked thought I should be with someone else while simultaneously refusing to be with me, and liquor helped me handle this shit.

I nodded.

He continued, “It’s just something to think about Levi, we’ve been friends a long time.”

“The best, you’re like family to me,” actually, you’re like something else to me, but I won’t go there.

I didn’t give him a chance to reply. I left, and Hange called me over, “Levi, I need you.”

“What’s up?” I asked amused that my absence had been noted.

“Beer pong. You’re the best. My only hope.”

“Who did you challenge?”

“Ymir.”

“Why don’t you have Petra on your team?”

“She’s convinced I’m going to l-l-lose and she wants to be on a winning team,” Hange finished with a burp and was beginning to slur her words.

I knew what that meant, tonight was going to be a long night. But, what the hell, I was a senior, “Yeah sure, let’s do it.”

And I flashed a smile at Petra, who met it. Erwin planted himself on the couch and simply watched me.

XXX

The first date that I had with Petra was singularly the worst first date I’ve ever been on in my life. At that point, I hadn’t been on many dates, but even now, it remains the single worst.

She frequently came over to my suite when we were freshmen at Stanford, because her best friend, Hange, had a crush on one of my suitemates, James. The three of them always hung out. I called Petra and Hange, “James’s loud friends” because that’s what they fucking were and at the time, I didn’t know their names. Every time they ever came over though, the volume increased by like a thousand percent.

I didn’t have anything that resembled a true conversation with her until St. Patrick’s Day, when she and Hange came over to our suite. Hange was blackout drunk, and Petra and I formed a bond over sharing the job of holding Hange’s hair back while she released her entire stomach contents into my suite’s toilet.

Even though I was wearing green, Petra decided to pinch me, earning a sharp “Ow,” from me, and a warning that she should probably get her eyes checked for color blindness.

Although she wasn’t as drunk as Hange, she had enough liquid courage to say, “You’re so cute, I couldn’t stop myself. I just wanted to touch you.”

Yes, at that time, even I could blush. I had a drink myself, and we stayed up all night making sure that Hange didn’t hurt herself.

They left around 5 in the morning, Petra walked her back and put Hange to bed. They left our bathroom in complete disarray which pissed me off as I was the only person in the suite who bothered keeping it in tip-top condition meaning that I would be solely responsible for the cleaning. My suitemates were animals who would be perfectly content letting it remain smelling like vomit. I decided to simply sleep off the anger, and figured I would deal with it in the evening. 

Later that same day, I woke up at about 2 in the afternoon to the suite doorbell ringing.

I answered it a bit groggy, but I was greeted by Petra’s smiling face. In her hand was a mop and bucket, “I’m here to clean up your bathroom.”

My face contorted and in spite of how badly I wanted her to in fact do just that, I controlled my emotions and told her, “That’s not necessary.”

“Well, it’s Hange who should be here,” she admitted, “but, she’s got the worst hangover ever, so I thought I’d take care of it on her behalf. You shouldn’t have to suffer. You seem like the sort of person who likes things clean.”

I nodded, “I was planning to do it this evening.”

“Well, now you won’t have to.”

It was that moment, then and there, that I asked her if she wanted to go out sometime. I kept it casual. I tried to be cool.

She agreed she’d like that.

Her bathroom cleaning job was mediocre at best, but I had to at least give her an A for effort. It was a nice and unnecessary gesture. I finished the cleaning job, and then, a week later, after finals for winter quarter, I took Petra out on a date just before she’d have to go home to her family.

The date itself though, as I indicated earlier was utterly horrible.

She found out that inspite of me having lived in the area for almost a year, I had never been to the local pizzeria.

“I can’t believe you’ve never had their pizza,” she exclaimed. We had just been shopping at the undergraduate supermarket. Basically, it was a grocery store, but all the prices were significantly higher than they would have been at any other grocery store. That said, they accepted dining dollars and every student went there at the end of the quarter to burn through their remaining dining dollars that didn’t carry over to the next quarter. I was carrying the bags for her back to her dorm room, and my strength surprised her, which made sense given my small frame.

I shrugged, we were almost back to her room, “I just never have.”

I didn’t go out much except to parties. I didn’t see much point to spending money on food places outside of school given that I had a dining plan. Well, today was an exception of course, because this was a date and I was also celebrating the end of yet another successful quarter, but normally the pizza that I had came from the cafeteria, just like all the rest of the food that I had.

She shrugged, “No biggie. Well, here we are.”

I dropped the bags off in her room, and was not terribly surprised to see it was in something of disarray given her bathroom cleaning job, but even so, it didn’t bother me much, it wasn’t like it was where I had to sleep.

We were soon off to the pizza parlour. At this point, this date probably seems normal, it seemed to be going fine. Well, at the pizza place, it got fucking weird. I blamed this largely on Hange’s influence on Petra, in future discussions about how horrible this date was, Petra blamed it on me. I don’t know who was most at fault, but either way, we both were in agreement, it was a terrible date.

Petra ordered a medium cheese for us to split. I started to hand over my card to pay, but she insisted on splitting the check. I eventually caved and allowed this, something which Eren thinks was a mistake, and I admit probably was, but we were forward thinking students at Stanford and trying to move past gender roles and everything else.

We took our seats and I sat silently. Petra started talking and I just listened. She claims that this is what was my fault in this date. I claim that she was being like way more of a nerd than anyone I’d ever met and that I didn’t even know how to interact with her, which admittedly, set next to Hange, she was not a nerd in the remotest sense, but I still like giving Petra a hard time about this. I guess it was just unusual to meet someone who genuinely wanted to discuss academia on a date, as opposed to video games, beer, and what not like most of the undergrads that I usually talked to. It made it hard for me to engage in the conversation.

It got weirder when the pizza was delivered though. She started eating the pizza with a fork and knife, which was something even I, as clean as could be, had never seen or even considered doing. It was the most proper thing in the world and it was weird. 

To be fair though, if I had known the fucking disgusting way she normally ate pizza, I would have much preferred the fork and knife method. This was something I got exposed to later on. In her normal manner of eating pizza, Petra didn’t fucking eat the cheese. She tore the cheese off the pizza, ate the bread and tomato sauce, and got the tomato sauce fucking everywhere in the process. Deciding that for our date she shouldn’t eat like a fucking heathen, she ate the entire slice including cheese with fork and knife. Thank God. That definitely would have been our only date otherwise.

But, I didn’t really know how to respond to her using a fork and knife. I assumed that she was proper and classy and would judge me if I didn’t do the same thing. So naturally, virgin that I was, I, too, used a fork and knife to eat my pizza.

Yes, it was clear this was not meant to be. We parted ways from the pizza place without anything resembling a kiss, I didn’t even walk her back to her dorm room.

I did, however, send her one text message, letting her know that I hoped she would get home to Marin safely. It was this tiny text message that sprung at least a thousand more during the course of Spring Break.

At every one of our anniversaries, Petra recounted how poorly our first date went. At our fifth, I finally asked her, “Well, how the fuck do you think we ended up together then?”

“I don’t know!” She shouted back, she was so damn lively, “You’re the one who texted and then, kept texting me. You like were physically incapable of ending a conversation. I tried everything, I even tried saying nothing, and then, you’d have to text making sure everything was okay. God Levi, you have no idea how awkward you were. You wouldn’t say a word at the pizza place, but hand you a fucking phone and you were like a text monster. And in them, you were sweet and so, here we are.”

And I just smiled, “Here we are.” 

It was true. I don’t know why, but for all of Spring Break, I texted Petra. We made plans during that break that we would get together when my flight got back to California. As was typical of New York though, there was a giant snow storm and so, I finally got back from New England at around 3 in the morning, clearly missing our date.

To my pleasant surprise though, I found her sitting on the couch in our suite.

“Why are you still awake? Why are you even here?” I asked.

“We had a movie date. So, duh I’m here. I texted you a half hour ago when you landed saying I was here.”

What could I say, I just didn’t expect it to be true.

“It’s kind of late to watch it now though,” She admitted.

I laughed. I was utterly exhausted, but she could make me smile, and what the hell, she had waited this long. So, the gentleman in me displayed himself, and I invited her into my room.

Given that we were both virgins, we didn’t sleep together that night, instead we laid in my bed, giggling and talking. Somewhere around five in the morning, one of us initiated a kiss, neither of us remembers who, both of us swore it was the other. I’d put money on it being her, but she always claimed that she made the first move in pinching me and refused to also be the one to initiate the first kiss. I’m inclined to believe her on this, but I’m stubborn, and so, I still claim it was her who kissed me first. Either way, we didn’t stop doing that until her nine fifteen class. Which, to my disappointment, she actually attended.

Like I said though, Hange’s influence. She could be such a nerd. But, she was my nerd. And when she left this earth, I missed her in ways I still can’t even describe.

I placed the flowers down before the headstone, returning back to reality. It’s been almost a year, I realized. Time in my world may have stopped, but everywhere else, seconds ticked on. I wondered if I would ever re-enter this world again.

XXX

Once again, as was commonly the case in my life, I was standing in the kitchen at Ymir’s with Erwin. I guess I should really call it my place though now. I paid rent and had lived there for two years and had spent the summers there for another two, but for the six years I had known the two of them, it had been Ymir’s place and so it was hard to get used to the idea that it could actually be considered mine, no matter how long I lived there.

This was not a party night, but we were hanging out and drinking. Erwin was of course having a glass of wine, and I was following suit, simply because that seemed like the right thing to do.

“It’s nice to catch up,” I said. I didn’t get to spend much time with Erwin at that point, as he was living up in Oakland. He and Ymir were living in separate places, but were still together. Erwin claimed it was for his work, but I knew well enough to know that if he really wanted to, he could find a job closer than Oakland. It was complicated, and I didn’t know the details, but I knew better than to ask for them. At this point in my life, I was smart enough to know what I didn’t want to know.

“I feel like I’ve seen a lot of you lately,” he was referring to the fact that I had seen him for two weekends in a row, the previous weekend I had insisted on getting together because I wanted to introduce Eren to my college friends. I smiled, but he continued launching directly to the heart of the matter, “I don’t like him, neither does Ymir.”

“I’m having dejavu,” I glared at him. This was so like him. He spent forever trying to convince me to re-enter the dating pool. I finally find someone who I like, and of course, not good enough in his eyes.

He let out something of a laugh, and asked thoughtfully, “Really, how is it Levi that you always seem to end up with the wrong person for you?”

“I don’t believe that there is any right person for me. Not anymore,” I answered. It was complex and I knew that. In my heart of hearts, I’d probably have admitted that most of the time I didn’t love Petra as much as she loved me, but love isn’t just an emotion. Love is something that you work at, and when you find someone who you work well with, you just go with it even if they don’t get an all consuming fire started in you all the time, that’s okay. I was certain Petra didn’t always feel that passion about me either, but we had an understanding. And she really was my best friend and my other half.

He sighed. In his eyes, I’m sure I seemed like I was being difficult. When Petra died, I got into a pretty bad fight with Erwin, but we were past that or so I thought, “I’m telling you this for your own good, Levi. He’s not a good guy. I don’t think you should be with him.”

“I’m really tired of you trying to decide who I should and shouldn’t be with, Erwin.”

He frowned. I needed to stop taking what he said as personally as I did. I knew this. He moved towards me and put a hand on mine. I felt shock for a number of reasons, but one stood out in particular. I looked down at his and felt my usual response. I stared at his hand and I saw the spots forming and I knew the blood would follow. It made me dizzy to even think about what was coming next. He raised his hand and forced me to face him directly. I felt woozy. One of my places of deepest weakness was my face, that combined with the touch coming from a person who generally made me feel weak was enough to make me certain that I was going to die. He spoke, “Setting aside why I think Eren isn’t good for you, let’s focus on you for a minute. Until you can handle being touched, Levi, I don’t think you should be with anyone.”

I wrinkled my nose and his hand dropped from my face. There was really nothing that I could say to that. Instead, I focused my attention on getting the room to stop spinning.

XXX

“Among my daily death threats, I got yet another offer,” Eren told me putting down his phone, “this one is for a seven hundred and fifty thousand dollar contract with Target.”

I couldn’t hide my surprise about that, I mean, I knew that Eren was beautiful, whether in drag or not, but the thought of being paid that much for a few pictures was just something I couldn’t conceive of, okay, yes, I knew it was more work than that, especially for him, but still. That was more money than I’d make in like ten years of work.

“I wonder if I should take one of these offers. They keep climbing higher and higher, but I know that I’m in the running to be an Angel,” Eren was mostly thinking out loud, but that last word got my attention, “What?”

“N-nothing,” I said. I was embarrassed, and I quickly tried to regain my composure.

“Come on, Levi, you’re the adult here,” my eyes narrowed, “give me some guidance,” he was teasing me, but he looked genuinely interested in my opinion.

“Well, I think that Victoria Secret has taken good care of you thus far, so that’s good. Although, I mean, you should do what you want, but…” my voice carried off.

“But?”

“But, I mean come on. Of course, I think you should aim to be an Angel. Everyone wants to be able to say they’ve fucked a Victoria’s Secret Angel or even say they fucking met one. There is nothing in the world like their fucking Wings of Freedom, Eren. I’m serious, fucking everyone feels this way. Hell, I think even the most gay man in the world probably jacks it to them. And if he doesn’t, he sure as hell will once you become one.”

Eren burst out laughing. He laughed so hard he even threw his head back, “Sorry, I just...oh my god, Levi. I think this is the first time I’ve heard you truly acknowledge me being a model.”

“Hey!” I retorted, “that is definitely not fair. I have more than supported you, I -”

Eren interrupted me, clarifying, “No, I just, I mean, you’re not like other people who care much about it and that’s part of what I like about you. It’s why we can still be friends.”

This made me feel a bit strange, given that I was no longer with Eren, well, if you could even call me having been with Eren, but he continued before I could display any embarrassing emotions, his words came between laughs, “That’s why it’s funny. Well, I’ll think about it some more,” I didn’t know it then, but there were other reasons why Eren was thinking about leaving Victoria’s Secret.

XXX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi’s first date with Petra may or may not be entirely based off of my first date with my boyfriend. I may or may not be Petra in this first date scene. Minus the presently dead part. I may or may not be presently dead. I am writing from beyond the grave.
> 
> okay okay, seriously, suggestions for who to play Erwin’s little bro/sis? preferably bro because it’s easier in the present plot, but i’m up for others too.

**Author's Note:**

> Ellen is Eren, we all got this, right? I’m sure she seems a tad ooc, but it’s -her- personality, which slightly differs from his. Slightly. Still, she’s a bit Eren-like. I fucking love that Japanese combines the L/R sounds, because it makes his name easy to feminize while literally still being the same name. Language is so cool you guys.
> 
> Oh, I hope the use of 1st person isn't too awful. I only ever seem to use it for Levi. I choose to use it for this in order to really display the differences in his character given the time jumps. Hope you guys appreciated that/could see evidence of that.
> 
> love you guys. I swear eventually it'll get to porn parts and change the rating.


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